Instrument Jokes — most viewed jokes

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
→ Their personality.

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
→ King Kong is more sensitive.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
→ Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
→ The doorbell shrieks!

Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
→ They are always longing for another stop.

Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?
→ Because they rarely strike the same place twice.

What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat miner.

What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?
→ A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
→ It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.

Why was the organ invented?
→ So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
→ He puts his Leslie on "slow".

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."

What is the range of a tuba?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
→ 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
→ The policeman

- Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?

- Friend: I hope so.

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
→ With a "tuba glue."

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

What is a chord?
→ Three violists playing in unison.

What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
→ Music Minus One.

What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
→ You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
→ Half a measure.

What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
→ You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

- Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.

- Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
→ If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

What do you call a person who plays the viola?
→ A violator.

What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
→ A semi-tone.

Why are violas so large?
→ It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.

What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
→ Violists.

What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
→ The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
→ Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What is the definition of a major seventh?
→ A violist playing octaves.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
→ Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Which positions does a violist use?
→ First, third, and emergency.

Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
→ So the violists don't need to be retrained.

When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
→ Who cares!

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
→ Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

A man walks into a shop.

- You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?

- You're a drummer, aren't you?

- Yeah. How'd you know?

- This is a travel agency.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat minor.

What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
→ A flat major.

What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
→ Be flat, major.

What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
→ See flat major.

What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
→ C sharp or B flat.

What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
→ A sharp major.

What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
→ A natural major.

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
→ Root position cords.