Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband:

- Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.

- What? - said the puzzled groom.

- How can that be if you've been married ten times?

- Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!

- Good - said the new husband, but, why?

- You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

- Tim, you be first, - she said. - What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said:

- She's a doctor.

- That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said:

- My father is a mailman.

- Thank you, Amie, - said the teacher. - What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced:

- My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said:

- I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

What do you get a lawyer for his birthday?
→ Briefs!! ha!ha!

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

- My name is Billy. What's yours?

- Tommy.

- My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?

- My Daddy's a lawyer.

- Honest?

- No, just the regular kind.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
→ Perfect setup for skeet shooting.

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon.

She looked at me with a big smile and said:

- Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first.

A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks:

- Does this bar serve lawyers?

- Of course we do, - replied the bartender.

- Great, - said the man - I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said:

- No refunds.

The guy shook his head, and said:

- No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher:

- You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!

The old rancher replied:

- Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.