Travel Jokes — most viewed jokes

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first.

- What do you wish for yourself?

- I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.

- Okay, that shall be granted to you.

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.

- What do you wish for yourself?

- I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.

- Okay, that shall be granted to you.

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself.

- What do you wish for yourself?

- I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?

- Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.

- I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies:

- Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?

- I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office:

- You've got to have a room somewhere - he pleaded.

- Or just a bed - I don't care where.

- Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

- No problem - the tired travelers assured him.

- I'll take it.

The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

- How'd you sleep? - asked the manager.

- Never better.

The manager was impressed.

- No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

- Nope, I shut him up in no time - said Dave.

- How'd you manage that? - asked the manager.

- He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room - Dave explained.

- I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.

A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, "Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else?" "Why?", asked the lady. "I'm on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!" "True", the man replied, "But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile:

- Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha!

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop-keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:

- Damn, this one is barefoot, too!

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

The head of the tribe says to the German:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican:

- What do you want on your back?

- I will take nothing! - says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

- What will you take on your back? - the Amazons ask the American.

He responds:

- I'll take the Mexican.

The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice:

- Free bus to the hotel Astor! On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to himself:

- Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor, until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows:

- Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab.

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

- Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

- It opens at noon, - answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

- What time does the bar open? - he asks.

- Same time as before... Noon, - replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.

- Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?

The clerk then answers:

- It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.

- No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000 Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000 Rps and put his hand out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly:

- Ooh! vy less !!??

Whereupon the cashier replied:

- Fluctuations!

He screamed back:

- FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO! I'm going back to Delhi!!!

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"