Random joke from this category
A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers.
"Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, "Does that mean five times?"
"No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."
Theres an old man laying on the beach naked and a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that. the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing around it is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around him he asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you went to sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.
An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead. The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
- Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange."
The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange.
The old man said "No."
The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.
The old man said "No, I'm retired."
The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage.
The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos..."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
- Patient: OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
An old man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another old man sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's the problem?"
The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again."
"So, what the hell is the problem?"
"Mister, you don't understand... I forgot where I live!"
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"
