Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu:

- I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath:

- Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again:

- Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.

- I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says:

- That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife:

- Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting:

- Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says:

- Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks:

- What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?

The little girl replies:

- I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says:

- I thought Barbie comes with Ken.

- No - said the little girl - She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

- The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.

The American frowned:

- Russian roulette's not a very nice game.

The diplomat smiled:

- That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.

- I'll show you how.

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.

- You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex - he told the American.

- That's great - the ambassador said - but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette.

- Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal.

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom:

- who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday.

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said:

- Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter.

And the suitor replied:

- Forget your daughter, I want your cow!

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

- I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms.

- Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.

- What the hell happened? - asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.

- I'm not really sure - the man replied, rubbing his red cheek - When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.

Up walks a so called lady of the night. She says:

- For $300.00, I'll do anything you want.

Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

- Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.

The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.

The man said:

- Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks:

- Do you do custom work?

- Why of course!

- Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.

- No problem - says the artist - Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.

The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

- That doesn't look like them! - she complains loudly.

- Oh yes it does - the artist says indignantly - and I can prove it. With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

- Well, what do you think? - the woman asks, spreading her legs - Do you know who these men are?

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says:

- I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!