Random joke from this category
- Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model - the editor from the men's magazine explained.
- It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black.
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
- What the hell did you do that for! - he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said:
- Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once.
One day Pete was complaining to his friend:
- my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.
His friend said:
- Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!
One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.
So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that:
- if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you.
So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.
She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.
Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said:
- My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'
The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant.
- Anything interesting happen over-night - asked the mortitian.
- Yes - replied the assistant:
- The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course
- What was the cause of death - enquired the mortition.
- I'm not sure - replied the assistant.
- But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!
- Are you sure? - said the Mortitian.
- Yes, come and have a look for yourself - said the assistant opening the body bag.
The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.
- That's not a prawn you stupid wanker - he responded:
- That's her clitoris
- Are you sure? - said the assisitant:
- 'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn.
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked:
- Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?
The waiter replied:
- Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.
By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented:
- Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?
The waiter replied:
- Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.
Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.
Saves a lot of time.
- Wait a minute - said the diner, how do you get your penis back in your pants?
- Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.
It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm.
The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.
They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a short conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.
She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe and Morey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.
Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest room for Abe and Morey.
The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully pulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.
Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.
Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by some chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown's bedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and hawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he admitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phone number as his own.
Where upon Abe said:
- That explains this letter from her lawyer saying she has left her entire estate to me!
A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.
The woman screams:
- We're going to die! - rips off all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man:
- make me feel like a woman again!
So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says:
- pick that up, bitch.
A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.
At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.
As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.
The next day, the chief said to the cowboy:
- in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning.
Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear:
- this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!
- Dad, can i ask you something?
- Sure! What about?
- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that i should own one.
- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?
- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?
- No.
- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.
- Nope.
- It will be just proper at my age...
- I said no way...!
- But all of my friends wears.......!
- David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!?
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
- What's that? - she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
- Tennis ball - came the breathless reply.
- Oh - said the girl sympathetically - that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.
