Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph:

- Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!

Ralph looked out the window and said:

- I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!

Mary cried:

- If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him:

- Do you always run in the nude?

Ralph answered, while gasping for air:

- Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.

The other runner then asked the nude man:

- Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?

Ralph answered breathlessly:

- Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

The runner then asked:

- Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Ralph answered:

- Only if it's raining.

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled:

- Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!

Another customer who was waiting replied:

- Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!

Then the fun began...

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.

She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.

Annoyed the worker yelled:

- Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!

The girl turned around and replied:

- It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him:

- How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!

At this the Texan drawled:

- Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says:

- Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said:

- When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked:

- How did it go?

The man answered:

- Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.

He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom.

Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom? The pimp told him:

- To show respect for the dead.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? - he says.

- That's cool - says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds:

- why don't you two go out and screw?

I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

- Yeah - says Carries father:

- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

- Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

- Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?

Mrs Smith replied:

- Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me.

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"