Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

- All right - one of the girls said - the first one to speak has to do them.

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

- Hey, where's some petroleum jelly? - he hollered from the kitchen.

- Oh, hell! - the male roommate said, jumping up - I'll do the dishes.

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me?

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked the time, miss.

In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked:

- I will call the police if you say another word!

Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.

The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?

This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed looking.

- What are you looking at - she said.

- I'm looking at the moon - he said.

- Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it - she said.

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks:

- Who's in your upstairs room?

The elderly man replies:

- I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs.

The passerby hands him the used condom and says:

- Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint:

- You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?

Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says:

- What your wish today?

Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.

Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells:

- Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks:

- Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

- I'm here about your ad - he says.

- You must be mistaken - she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

- I guess you must be in the fifth - she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount!" The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other: "We could eat the 30, I suppose."

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said:

- Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?

The Vicar said:

- Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking.

The villager said:

- Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!