Random joke from this category
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.
They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.
A nun answered back:
- Well, we could alway eat one.
This fellow comes to confession. Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asked:
- What did you do, my son?
The fellow replied:
- I lusted.
The priest said:
- Tell me about it.
The fellow then related his story:
- Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in.
The priest asked:
- And, what did you do, my son?
The man replied:
- Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted.
The priest replied:
- Your sin has been forgiven.
- You will get your reward in heaven, my son.
The fellow asked:
- A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?
The priest replied:
- I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass.
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says:
- Father, I never wears panties under my habit.
The priest chuckles and says:
- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.
Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?
→ They don't like to look down on the unemployed.
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.
By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.
So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said:
- For penance say three Hail Mary's.
The man said:
- What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing.
Father replied quietly:
- Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?.
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
- Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.
- BASTARD! - cried the Mother Superior.
- For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it.
The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. She continued:
- So me and my cousin were alone in the house, and went up to my bedroom...
The priest said gently:
- Go on, my child.
- I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my...
- Go on.
- On my pussy - stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
- And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself.
- Yes, go on - the priest directed.
- I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall - the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame - and he began to shove it in me so hard...
- Yes, yes... Go on - he urged, breathing hard.
- And then we heard the front door slam--
- Oh, SHIT!!!!
4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michelson WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted to watch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion, they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the same things.
This is what is sounded like: And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...
Out...
In...
Out... and yes, the baby is born!
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
→ They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
