Celebrities — best jokes

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

• "Husseinfeld"
• "Mad About Everything"
• "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
• "Suddenly Sanctions"
• "Allah McBeal"
• "Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
• "Matima Loves Chachi"
• "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
• "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
• "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
• "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
• "Achmed's Creek"
• "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
• M*U*S*T*A*S*H
• "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
• "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
• "When Kurds Attack"
• "Just Shoot Me"
• "My Two Baghdads"
• "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
• "Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"
• "Totally Clothed Baywatch"

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said "Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy!" He smiled.

"Well...if you must know... I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs..." Dolly Parton said.

"And I was going to the bathroom!" Princess Diana said.

"You may enter into Heaven..." St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.

"WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?!" Dolly Parton asked.

"Why...don't you know...a royal flush beats 2 of a kind!" St. Peter exclaimed.

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.

What's the difference between Malaysia & the US?
→ US's got Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder; Malaysia's got Mahathir, no cash, no hope and bloody wonder!

Clinton and Gore went to a diner to get a bite to eat.

A good looking waitress comes up and asks, "Can I take your order?"

Clinton says, "Yes, I like a quickie!"

She turns a little red and say, "Sir, in your present state of affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from the MENU!"

As she walks away Gore leans over and says, "Bill, its pronounced quiche".

• "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton
• "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne
• "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner
• "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - Carol Leifer
• "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman
• "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne
• "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman
• "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead
• "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
• "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
• "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
• "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
• "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
• "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
• "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
• "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
• "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
• "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
• "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
• "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.

What is green, has four legs, and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
→ The pool table in the oval office!

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

"I would like a loan of £30,000 please." he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. "Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know." says Paddy, "You'll need a collateral for that amount of money."

"That's okay," says the frog, "I have this." And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. "What's this? I can't accept this as collateral." "Don't worry," says the frog, "I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here."

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager's office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says "There's a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30,000... he gave this as collateral... what on earth is it?"

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says... "It's a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?
→ To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!