Celebrities — best jokes

What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?
→ They all killed the Browns!

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary, "I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane."

Hillary says, "Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane."

Chelsea says, "I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one. "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?"

"My wife," said the other with a heavy sigh!

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked.

"A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?"

"Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before."

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
11. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
12. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
13. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
14. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
15. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
16. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
17. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
18. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
19. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
11. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
12. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?"
13. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh".
14. There's a two drink minimum.
15. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
16. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
17. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
18. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else.
19. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.

Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.

Elle put on more make-up saying, "They always rescued the beautiful ones first".

Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, "They would rescue the richest one first", upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying "You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box"!

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy

I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts

10. Every night, his forecast is: "It's raining men, hallelujah!"
11. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
12. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
13. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
14. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
15. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
16. Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!"
17. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
18. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)
19. He's got a tropical storm in his pants.