Celebrities — best jokes

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."

How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
→ They can't sing, they can't dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."
-- Rev. Jesse Jackson

"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America."
-- President William Jefferson Clinton

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.

Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks "Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh...it was great!! Never had any like it before!!" and she asked "Really?? So the ghost was good??" and the old man said "GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!"

What's the difference between a McDonalds Hamburger and Bill Clinton?
→ Some people in Arkansas haven't had a McDonald's hamburger!

One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket. So.. he decided to go down & get some.

So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman got up and said "What was THAT?" And the invisible man said "I don't know... but my butt sure hurts."

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." "Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asks.

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he tells God. "Fine," replies God. "As you desire."

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."

Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?
→ No
→ Neither has he.