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New Rules for Bowling

Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

Baseball Strike Demands

Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

[In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

  • No team flights on Continental Airlines.
  • Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
  • Make it legal to cork their pants.
  • Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
  • No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
  • Two words: Streisand tickets.
  • Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
  • Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
  • Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
  • More games against the Mets.

Mischief at the Bowling Alley

Things to do at a Bowling Alley

  • Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
  • Whenever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
  • Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
  • Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
  • Wear Golf Shoes.
  • Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
  • Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
  • Play bocci with extra lane balls
  • Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
  • Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
  • Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
  • Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
  • Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
  • Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
  • Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
  • Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
  • Root for the other team- Bring Banners. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
  • Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
  • Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
  • Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
  • Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
  • Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
  • Rent all the shoes, eat them
  • Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
  • When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
  • If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
  • Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
  • Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
  • SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
  • Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
  • Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
  • Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
  • Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
  • Bring a dartgun...

Be inventive.

  • Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
  • Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
  • Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
  • Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

Olympic Bribery Signs

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

  1. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
  2. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
  3. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
  4. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
  5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
  6. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
  7. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
  8. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...

  1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.

NFL Referee Complaints

  • After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
  • Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
  • Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
  • Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
  • With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.
  • Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!
  • Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
  • Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
  • Don King only bribes boxing judges.
  • Official rule books not made in Braille.
  • I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

Lame NFL Team Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils / Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins / Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets / New York Not Yets

NFC West

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's / Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers / Green Bay Slackers / Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes / Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls / Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

Tyson One-Liners

What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
→ No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS. For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...

Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

Cowboys Excuses

Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

  • Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
  • Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.
  • Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
  • Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."
  • Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
  • Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
  • Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
  • What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
  • Tired of going to Disneyland.

Forest Needs Snookers

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"