Situations — worst jokes

Dear:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

• ( ) the tooth could not be found
• ( ) it was not a human tooth
• ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
• ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
• ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
• ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
• ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
• ( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
• ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
• ( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
• ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
• ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
• ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
• ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
• ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
• [ ] string
• [ ] pliers
• [ ] gunpowder
• [ ] hammer marks
• [ ] chisel
• [ ] part of skull attached to tooth
• [ ] no dental care
• ( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?" "2 million," said Bruin. "1 million for materials and 1 million for labor."

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, "3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits."

Finally, the president asks the last company, Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, "4 million."

"FOUR MILLION," yelled the president of ABC. "How do you breakdown the cost?"

Trojan replied, "1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!"

1. The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2. Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3. Whine convincingly.
4. Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5. Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

• I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
• The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
• I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.
• The car ran out of gas.
• Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.
• He started it.
• I have jet lag.
• I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
• I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
• I missed the bus.
• The alarm didn't go off.
• I couldn't find a parking space.
• The Devil made me do it.
• Drugs made me do it.
• Everybody else does it.
• That's not my department.
• Our computer's down.
• We must have misplaced your original request.
• It's on someone elses desk.
• Don't ask me - I just work here.

1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled.
2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone's day, -- or night.
15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!
18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor.
19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend!
20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard!
21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.
22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate.
23. Dive in. -- Naked!
24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :)
25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds.
26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked.
27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice.
28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine.
29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle.
30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice.
31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector!
32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow!
33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman.
34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination.
35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer.
36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same.
37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend.
38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming.
39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them!
40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities.
41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap.
42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub!
43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat!
44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.
45. Dance -- in bed
46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick.
47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they?
48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.
49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.
50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!"

The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time.

"Earthling take me to your leader!"

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"

The second replies "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Y. O. D. A
(To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker)

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down.
I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown.
I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear.
I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here?
How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
WARS DO NOT MAKE ONE GREAT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
SPAT OUT LIKE SOME THROAT PHLEGM
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah.
He is COMIN', master Yoda not far.
I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot.
It is MINE OR I'LL HELP YOU NOT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don't just stand in the rain!

You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me?
I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see!
Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave!
Betcha HE SCREWS UP AT THE CAVE
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends?
To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
WIMP OUT THEN YOU'RE A JERK
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!

You don't have to save Han!

If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and fade).

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
20. I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
23. The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
24. I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
25. The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
26. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
27. A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
28. I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
29. I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
30. I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
31. I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
32. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
33. I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
34. I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
35. I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
36. I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
37. I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
38. I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
39. My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
40. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
41. My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
42. No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
43. The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
44. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
45. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
46. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
47. The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
48. The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
49. The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
50. There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
51. When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
52. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.