Situations — worst jokes

What's the penalty for bigamy?
→ Two mothers-in-law

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

Guess what? You're pregnant!

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

- John: Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?

- Susan: Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

- John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?

- Susan: I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.

- John: Say, you ARE a good sport.

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
→ They are four ways you can lose your house!