Situations — worst jokes

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

• The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
• The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
• If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
• After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
• In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
• No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

• Escape from Dojo: The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
• Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
• Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
• Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
• Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
• Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
• Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
• Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
• Sensei's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

• Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
• Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
• Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
• Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
• Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
• Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
• Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
• Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
• Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
• Must be able to sing Karaoke.
• Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
• Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
• Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
• Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
• Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
• Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
• Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Things to do at a Bowling Alley

• Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
• Whenever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
• Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
• Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
• Wear Golf Shoes.
• Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
• Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
• Play bocci with extra lane balls
• Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
• Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
• Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
• Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
• Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
• Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
• Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
• Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
• Root for the other team- Bring Banners. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
• Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
• Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
• Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
• Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
• Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
• Rent all the shoes, eat them
• Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
• When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
• If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
• Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
• Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
• SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
• Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
• Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
• Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
• Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
• Bring a dartgun...

Be inventive.

• Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
• Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
• Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
• Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
17. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
18. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
19. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
20. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
21. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
22. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
23. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
24. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
25. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
26. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
27. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
28. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
29. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
30. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
31. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

- Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

- Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

- Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

- Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

- Liz: I'm the examiner!