Situations — worst jokes

Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked.

"What's the matter?" asked his friend.

"It's a very popular place," replied the first alien.

"It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs."

- Policeman: Why didn't you check your speedometer?

- Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

Had a door-to-door salesman call one time selling of all things -- burial plots. I told him that we already had our plots in another cemetery.

He seemed uncertain as to what to say next, but he recovered to say politely, "I hope you'll be very happy there."

The couple was standing staring at one of the more expensive models in the auto showroom. A salesman sensing their debate over the price moved in and said, "This model is priced just over the car which is priced a few dollars above the car which costs no more than some models of the lowest priced cars."

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.

"This machine is the best ever," he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.

The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."

"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on.
The the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now?
After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"

From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

- Why shouldn't I?

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

- Like what?

- Well ... are you religious or atheist?

- Religious.

- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

- Christian.

- Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

- Protestant.

- Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

- Baptist.

- Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?

- Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady confirmed, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

- Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula?

- Dracula: Looking for the main artery, officer.