Situations — worst jokes

A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you? What do you want?"
"I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she retorted, and slammed the window shut!

There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink."
The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet."

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"OK," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking.
Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

The tourist: "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"

A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"

- Julie: What time is it?

- Counsellor: Three o'clock.

- Julie: Oh, no!

- Counsellor: What's the matter?

- Julie: I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a different answer!

The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it?'