Situations — worst jokes

• On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!)
• On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
• On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!)
• On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
• On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
• On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
• On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!)
• On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)
• On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
• On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he... I gotta try this one!)
• On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
• On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
• On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm... I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
• The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
• The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
• Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
• Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
  Name: Bertha Belch.
  Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
• Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
• The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
• As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.
• While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there.
• You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.
• You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
• You wake up hung over.
• You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
• Your underwear is missing.
• You're in jail.
• Last night was the company Christmas party.

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
11. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
12. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
13. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
14. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
15. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
16. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
17. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
18. You keep losing dates on left turns.
19. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

Bits of information to help you through the day:

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
• The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
• Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)
• A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)
• Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
• Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.