Sex Jokes — worst jokes

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom, "who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday."

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said "Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter."

And the suitor replied, "Forget your daughter, I want your cow!"

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.

The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.

The man said "Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard".

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to do them."

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the kitchen.

"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the dishes."

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he says.

"You must be mistaken," she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.

By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.

So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's". The man said, "What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing. Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?".

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom..."

"Go on, my child," said the priest gently.

"I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my..."

"Go on."

"On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.

"And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."

"Yes, go on," the priest directed.

"I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall," the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to shove it in me so hard..."

"Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.

"And then we heard the front door slam--"

"Oh, SHIT!!!!

What was the First Commandment?
→ "Adam, eat my pussy."

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
→ A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.