Sex Jokes — worst jokes

A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.

"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

The hooker replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?

- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.

- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?

- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.

- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?

- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.

- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads."

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... my room key."

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."

To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...

"Look, hand cream!"

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
→ "The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as an altar boy.