Sex Jokes — worst jokes

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?
→ Self-employed

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.

Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.

The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.

"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.

"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.

"And the bad news?"

"Mine died."

What's the definition of virginity?
→ A big issue over a little tissue.

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee... do you think he'd remember us?"

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full.

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.

Without preamble the hooker says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job."

"$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man exclaimed. "No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"

The hooker summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. "See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can do with my hands."

Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "God, that was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?"

"$2500," the hooker replied.

"$2500 for a blowjob?" cried the astonished man. "That's way too much!"

Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across the street. "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth."

"Oh no," moans the man, "this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."

Once again the hooker takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know. How much do you get for pussy?"

The hooker drags the man to the window for a third time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."

"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!"

What is green and eats nuts?
→ Herpes!

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
→ A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawal.

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
→ He forgot to wrap his whopper.