Science — worst jokes

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlight
• Submarine screen door
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart board
• A dictionary index
• Powdered water
• Pedal powered wheel chair
• Water proof tea bags
• Zero proof alcohol
• Reusable ice cubes
• Skinless bananas
• Do it yourself roadmap

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two... The red head said, "I am going to be the first woman to land on mars." The brunette said, "I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn." The blonde said, "I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun."

"How are you going to do that", the other two asked.

"Simple", said the blonde. "I'll go at night!"

One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment. She pulled off one of its legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command. Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty. Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn't.

"I have made a new discovery!" the blonde cried. "When you pull all of a beetle's legs off, it becomes deaf!!"

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.

After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked her to tell something of her life. She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

Examples

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Preparing the Bedroom

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Additional Last Minute Preparations

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

Making the First Move

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

Seducing the Partner

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Initial Body Contact

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

Removing Clothes

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Arousal and Stimulation

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

Disappointment

(after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Doing It for the First Time

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Positions

Italian (man on top woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Afflictions

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Assorted Accidents

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

Things Often Said After Sex

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

Trying Again

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Sleep

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

Taking a Bath Together

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

Making the Bed

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Keeping a Journal

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

• A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
• Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
• An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
• Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
• Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
• Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
• Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
• The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
• It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
• We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
• Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
• Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
• Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
• See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)
• All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
• Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
• Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
• Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
• Years of development. (One finally worked)
• Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
• No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
• Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
• Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
• We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
• I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (nothing wrong with this one).
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
• In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You are always late to meetings.
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
• You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
• You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You have never backed up your hard drive.
• You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
• Your checkbook always balances.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
• Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
• You've already calculated how much you make per second.
• You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.