Science — worst jokes

Theorem: 1$ = 1c.

Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.

Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

Theorem: All positive integers are equal.

Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.

If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.

In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business.

The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.

Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an artificial dog that would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use.

Previously, the lab required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.

Seattle, Washington:
The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.

Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:
One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

You've been in graphics too long if...
by Chris Thornborrow

• Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
• When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects.
• You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering.
• You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
• Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel.
• You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine.
• You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
• You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON.
• You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems.
• You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
• You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky.
• You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time."
• You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
• You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
• Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric.
• You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
• You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
• When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology.
• You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics").
• You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original).

You get 75% or more of these jokes.