Science — worst jokes

Bits of information to help you through the day:

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
• The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
• Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)
• A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)
• Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
• Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Atheism - A non-prophet organization.
• Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
• Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
• Clones are people two.
• COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!"
• Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs
• Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.
• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.
• My reality check just bounced.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor".

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem".

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine."

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"

After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!

VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!)

• 3% Vitamin E
• 2% aspirin
• 2% ibuprofen
• 1% Vitamin C

...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!

What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?
→ "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish."

What does NASA stand for?
→ Need Another Seven Astronauts
→ Need Another Shuttle Also

Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
→ They didn't know it was going to blow up.

Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
→ Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.

On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?
→ So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll have a rated officer onboard.

How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
→ Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a &^^%@)&!".

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!".

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."

The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!". The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

"Well!" retorted the police chief.

He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...

"Making an obscene clone fall..."