Relationships — worst jokes

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written ", , . Two with meatballs, one without."

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman.

"That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"

"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen. "I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. 'Don't move! You're a statue!'

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you have succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.

Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

"What do you mean, twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once."

"Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked.

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"

"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:

"Dear Mom,
While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love,
Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:

"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love,
Mom."