Relationships — worst jokes

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT???"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.
Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.
Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men..bring their own beer

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply..

• Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
• Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
• The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
• You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
• Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
• Your legs are skinnier than mine.
• You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
• You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
• I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
• The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
• The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
• You still live with your parents.
• Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
• Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
• Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
• Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
• Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
• I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, ________

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.. You wear briefs, don't you?

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

17. "I finished the Oreo's."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

AGE DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast

The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!