Medicine — worst jokes

What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
→ Gee, are you sure it's mine?

Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
→ They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!"

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".

- 911: Is this her first child?

- Man: Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!

• ARTERY--The study of fine paintings.
• BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails.
• BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8.
• CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome.
• COLIC--A sheep dog.
• COMA--A punctuation mark.
• CONGENITAL--Friendly.
• DILATE--To live longer.
• FESTER--Quicker.
• G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
• GRIPPE--A suitcase.
• HANGNAIL--A coat hook.
• MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane.
• MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging.
• MORBID--A higher offer.
• NODE--Was aware of.
• ORGANIC--Church musician.
• OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted.
• POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier.
• PROTEIN--In favor of young people.
• SECRETION--Hiding anything.
• SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood.
• TABLET--A small table.
• TUMOR--An extra pair.
• URINE--Opposite of you're out.
• VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.

Generic Drug Names: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.

So what's the generic name for viagra?
→ Mydixadroopin

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, "I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?"

The guys with no arms replied, "Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?"

The other guys reluctantly says, "sure".

The guy with no arms says, "I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

Would you mind?"

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, "Sure, I guess".

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out. When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him, "I don't mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?"

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, "I don't know but I sure as hell ain't touching it!"

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
→ The taste!

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.