Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out:

- ... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..

She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed:

- Good God all mighty

- That's right, that's right - the minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to:

- ... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins...

the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted:

- Jesus Christ

- that's right, That's Right - the Minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to:

- ... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child

the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said:

- If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off!

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks:

- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?

- I got it for my wife, eh. - answers Bob.

- Oh! - exclaims Doug.

- Good trade!

What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)

- Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks:

- Who was that?

- Oh - she replies.

- That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.

Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? - The other replied - Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? - And the father replied - I don't know, son, I'm still paying.

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

- Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said:

- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband:

- You know, I was a fool when I married you. - The husband replied - Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

- You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend:

- It is I who made my husband a millionaire.

- And what was he before you married him. - Asked the friend. The woman replied - A billionaire.

God says to Adam:

- What would you like in a wife? - Hmmm - says Adam - I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.

- Hmmmm - God says - I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.

- Oh - says Adam - Well what can I get for a rib?

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

- I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns

Unknown Author Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks:

- Did we break that too?

- Yes - replies the man.

- Sorry. Do you live here? - the husband asks.

- No, actually, I'm a genie. The man states:

- I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?

The husband thinks a moment:

- First, make my wife a better golfer.

- Poof! She's a better golfer - the genie announces.

- Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.

- Poof! you get a million bucks a week - the genie announces.

- Good. OK, what do you want? - asks the husband.

- For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife - grins the genie.

- Hmmm - the husband hesitated:

- I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife:

- How long have you known your husband?

- Ten years - she replies.

- How long has he believed in this genie stuff?

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:

- Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:

1. You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2. You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3. You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't).

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

- Can I help you? - she says.

- I'm here about your ad in the paper.

- Which ad is that?

- The one looking for a husband.

She says:

- Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...

- Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.

- Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.

- And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.

- Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important...

- Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?

It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.

- I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.

The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit.

- Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home.

The drunk protests...:

- N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...

- Tell you what - the bartender says.

- You got any 20 dollar bills on you?

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies...:

- Y-yeah, I got a few....

The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk.

- There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!

- B-br-brilliant! - the drunk exclaims excitedly.

- Thish jush might w-work!

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.

- Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!

- N-no hunnybunsh - the drunk stammers...

- Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened...

The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money.

- Wait a minute... - the wife says.

- there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains...:

- Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he ... he took a crap in my pants!