Ethnic — worst jokes

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"

"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says - "Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???"

Mike replies - "No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'"

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, "Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?"

Liza Jane was startled and said, "No Rastus you cain't!"

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, "Alright if'n it will shut you up you can." So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, "Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?" Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, "Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?"

Rastus replies, "What's that?"

"Every time you look up my dress you says, 'Sho is a wonder.' Sho is a wonder what?"

To which Rastus replies, "Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!"

What's long, black, and smells funny?
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NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

• Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
• Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
• Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
• Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
• Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
• Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
• Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
• Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
• Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
• Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
• Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
• Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
• German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
• Candain-American Speak -- EH?onics
• Florida Democratic Voters Speak -- Moronics

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday..."

Confucious say:

• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
• It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
• Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
• Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
• Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
• Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
• Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
• Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
• Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
• Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
• Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
• Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

ARTERY - THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA - BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM - WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
BOWEL - A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U
CESAREAN SECTION - A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME
CAT SCAN - SEARCHING FOR A KITTY
CAUTERIZE - HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COLIC - A SHEEP DOG
COMA - A PUNCTUATION MARK
D & C - WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE - TO LIVE LONG
ENEMA - NOT A FRIEND
FESTER - QUICKER
FIBULA - A SMALL LIE
GENITAL - NOT A JEW
G.I. SERIES - A SOLDIER'S BALL GAME
HANGNAIL - COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT - DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOR PAIN - GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF - A DOCTOR'S CANE
MORBID - A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES - CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE - WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT - A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR - A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS - A COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE - LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM - PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM - DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM
SECRETION - HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE - ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET - SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS - GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
ULTRASOUND - VERY GOOD MUSIC
URINE - OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE - NEAR BY
VEIN - CONCEITED

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"