Ethnic — worst jokes

In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger...

"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Very Short Books...

1. Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2. Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3. Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4. Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5. Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6. Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7. Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8. Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9. Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10. GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11. GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12. Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13. Human Rights organizations in Libya
14. Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15. Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16. Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17. Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18. Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19. Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20. Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
21. Famous Hillbilly Physics
22. Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
23. Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
24. Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
25. Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
26. How to start you own part time Hospital from home
27. Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
28. E-mail address directory for the homeless
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