Dumb Jokes — worst jokes

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King..
9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France..'
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'.
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'.
36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!'
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'.
42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.'
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.'
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this..)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

How old is your son-the one living with you.
→ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

How long has he lived with you?
→ Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

Did you blow your horn or anything?
→ After the accident?

Before the accident.
→ Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
→ We both do.

Voodoo?
→ We do.

You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
→ Yes.

Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
→ Yes, sir.

What did she say?
→ What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.

How many were boys?
→ None.

Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement?
→ Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
→ I went to Europe, Sir.

And you took your new wife?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.

Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
→ Oral.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

You were not shot in the fracas?
→ No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.

Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.

Did you check for breathing?
→ No.

So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
→ No.

How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

• If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
• If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
• Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
• Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
• I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
• I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
• They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
• You should toss out more of your funny remarks that's all they're good for.
• People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
• You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
• I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
• If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be genocide!

• Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
• I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
• Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
• People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
• Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
• The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
• I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
• When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
• I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
• I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
• I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
• I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

• Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
• People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
• Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
• We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
• When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
• The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
• You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
• All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
• I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
• No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
• There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
• Sit down and give your mind a rest.

• I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
• I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
• Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
• I believe in respect for the dead in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
• Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
• You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
• You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
• We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
• I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
• There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
• All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
• I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

• Yours was an unnatural birth you came from a human being.
• You have nothing to fear from my base instincts its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.
• It's your life -- but I wish you'd let us have it.
• Hey, act your age -- senile!
• I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
• You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.
• In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
• We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
• We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
• The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
• When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

• We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!
• We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
• You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
• I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
• Is your name Amazon? You're so wide at the mouth.
• You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
• A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain!
• We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
• Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
• We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
• It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
• Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.