Drunks — worst jokes

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4.

1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled.
2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone's day, -- or night.
15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!
18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor.
19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend!
20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard!
21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.
22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate.
23. Dive in. -- Naked!
24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :)
25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds.
26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked.
27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice.
28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine.
29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle.
30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice.
31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector!
32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow!
33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman.
34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination.
35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer.
36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same.
37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend.
38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming.
39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them!
40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities.
41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap.
42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub!
43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat!
44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.
45. Dance -- in bed
46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick.
47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they?
48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.
49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.
50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

What's the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm sooo drunk!"

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

What's a blonde's favorite wine?
→ "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

A young man walks up and sits at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blow job."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka." The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"

This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.