Drunks — worst jokes

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said...

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said....

"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said...

"If i had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said: "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!"

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.

He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender, 'man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, 'down the hall, second door on the right.' So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!'

Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?
→ A 12-pack of beer!

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"

The man replied with "NO WAY!"

And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.

The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over...

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"