Doctor Jokes — worst jokes

- Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses

- You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

- Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.

- Are you choking?

- No, I really did!

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

- What took you so long to answer?

- I was in bed.

- What were you doing in bed this late?

- Getting a second opinion.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

- Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.

- Doctor: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.

- Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
→ A snake charmer.

- Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap?

- Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.

- Have you tried counting sheep?

- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.