Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks:

- Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?

- Worse - says the doctor.

- It's frostbite!

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says:

- Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand:

- Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says:

- All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny says:

- Mas-tur-bate.

Teacher smiles and says:

- Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.

Little Johnny says:

- No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says:

- Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates.

The woman replies:

- Yes... And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we...

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said:

- Ah, there's the problem!

- What is it? - the man asked.

- Why you have an abscess - said the dentist.

- An abscess? How could that be causing my problem? - asked the man.

- That's easy - replied the dentist.

- Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda! (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew...hahahahahah)

One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work.

The dentist said:

- Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?

The man looked at the dentist and said:

- None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.

The dentist said:

- Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller.

The man looked back at the dentist and said:

- I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.

The dentist said:

- Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller.

The man again said to the dentist:

- I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth.

The dentist then said:

- Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?

The man said:

- Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life.

The dentist then said:

- Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?

The man replied:

- When I reached the end of the chain.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:

- Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied:

- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says:

- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!

- Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.

- Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.

- (shouting) What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!

- (angry) Did you have to say it twice?!?

- I didn't! I didn't!

- Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

- Really! What are you taking for it?

- (with a grin) Black pepper!

- Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.

- That's easy. Eat shit!

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

- What sort of perversion are you talking about? - asks the doctor.

- Well - said the woman.

- I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.

- Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

- Look - he said.

- I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said:

- Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!

- Shit, is that ALL! - said the doctor.

- Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself:

- Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.

- Hey! - shouted the woman.

- I thought you said you were a pervert?

- Oh I am - said the doctor.

- I've just shit in your handbag!