Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

True story: About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words:

- Okay, small prick

and proceeded with the injection.

I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

- What does this have to do with my throat?

- Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her:

- There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

- Well - she said a little sheepishly.

- my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

- That's got to be it - said the doctor.

- There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

- Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't - she replied.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

- How's your sex life? - the doctor asked.

- Pretty good - the man said, to the doctor's relief.

But then he added:

- I've had some strange side effects.

- What's that? - the doctor asked anxiously.

- Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

- So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh? - the doctor said.

- The nurse must have told you - said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

- No. It was in your urinalysis. - and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said:

- I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!

For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything!

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked:

- Yes sir, may we help you?

- There's something wrong with my dick - he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said:

- You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.

- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you - he said.

- We do not use language like that here - she said.

- Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked:

- Yes?

- There's something wrong with my 'ear' - he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly:

- And what is wrong with your ear, sir?

- I can't piss out of it - the man replied!

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

- Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? - yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

- Don't you want to get pregnant? - asked the doctor.

- Well, yes, I do - answered the woman.

- Then lie back and spread 'em - replied the doctor.

- We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

- Ohhhh no!!! - the patient wailed.

- I'll never be able to experience an erection again!

- Of course you'll still be able to experience erections - replied one surgeon.

- only it will have to be someone else's!