Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks...well, "needy".

- Can I help you? - the Madam asks.

- I want Natalie - the old man replies.

- Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?

- No. I want Natalie.

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.

When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man:

- I'm not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you're from?

- I am from Minsk.

- Really - replies Natalie.

- I have a sister who lives there.

- I know - says the old man.

- She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you.

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother:

- How old are you?

Mommy says:

- Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks:

- Mommy, how much do you weigh?

Mommy says:

- That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks:

- Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says:

- Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says:

- All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says:

- Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Her mommy is very shocked! She asks:

- Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says:

- I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks:

- Where did you learn that?

The little girl says:

- I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said:

- No, I think I can stand over the hole.

So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said:

- grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.

So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says:

- I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful.

James said:

- Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

Ron was so jealous:

- Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?

- Nope - James replied:

- I couldn't find her head!

What is the difference between 'like' and 'love'?
→ Spit and swallow!

To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

- 10 - 12 inches....... Luxury Tax $30.00

- 8 -10............... Pole Tax $25.00

- 5 -8................ Privilege Tax $15.00

- 4 -5................ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She liked guys!

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said:

- We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- That's right - said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....:

- I NEED A BIKE..........

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?
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