Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

What protection does a nymphomaniac use during sex?
→ A bus shelter.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

• Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
• Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
• Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

- Yes? - she inquires with a knowing smile - can I help you?

- I was wondering - whispers the man - are you the one who gives the hand jobs?

- Yes - she purrs - I am.

The man replies:

- Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said:

- Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?

The other old lady said:

- It's a condom.

- A condom? Where do you get those?

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her:

- What size do you want?

- One that would fit a Camel.

What is the difference between the Titantic and Bill Clinton?
→ They know how many people went down on the Titantic!!

Did you hear about the new computer virus?

It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".

Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:

- How many here believe in ghosts?

Everyone put up their hand.

- How many have seen ghosts?

A lot of people put up their hand.

- How many have touched a ghost?

Five people put up their hands.

- How many have had sex with a ghost?

One person put up their hand.

- Well then - said the host.

- why don't you come up here and tell us all about it.

The man walked up.

- So, how was your night with the ghost? - asked the host.

- Ghost? - Said the man.

- Sorry, I thought you said goat.

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.

Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldn't do!

The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white triangle. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.

While he napped, two elderly ladies came slowly along the water's edge, clinging to each other and their canes for support. When they saw the strange thing planted in the sand, one lady turned to the other and said:

- Eloise, when I was 20, I was scared of it.

- When I was 40, I couldn't get enough of it.

- When I was 60, I had to pay for it.

- And now that I'm 80, I find it growing wild!

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.

- Why are you laughing? - asked the nun.

- Oh, It's nothing - said the cabby.

- No, really - said the nun:

- I won't mind.

So the Cabby told her:

- Well, It's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blow job done by a nun.

- Well then, whats your name? - the nun asked.

- Robert

- Are you married?

- No.

- Are you christian?

- Yes.

- Then Pull into the next alley.

The cabby was stunned. but he didn't want to give up this chance so he pulled into the next alley. When they were finished, they returned to the cab.

While driving, the cabby started to cry.

- Why are you crying? - asked the nun.

- I'm sorry, I've lied.

- How so?

- Well, My name is David, I have a wife and three children, and I'm Jewish.

- Well, I've done a bit of lying too... - smiled the nun:

- My name is George and I'm going to a costume party.

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

- How am I doing? - he asks.

- Three knots - she replies.

- Three knots? What's that mean?

- You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
→ A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.