Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

What's the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Why do they name cyclones after women?
→ Because they start off as little blow jobs and end up taking the whole house!

Four words guaranted to destroy a man's ego: "Is it in yet?"

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks.

- Go ahead - said the stage manager:

- Eat the shit, eat the shit!

- I just can't do it - said the magician:

- There's a hair in it!

There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.

She was ugly as shit
and missing one tit,
but think of the money he saved!

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked:

- Who are you?

To which he replied:

- Oh, I'm Cess!

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

- Guess what, darling - he said:

- Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.

- And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table - she said.

- We were naked as jaybirds, remember? - he blushed.

- Oh yes - she giggled:

- Why don't we take off our clothes right now?

- All right.

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

- Oooh, darling - she said:

- My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

- No wonder - he said:

- One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
11. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
12. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
13. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
14. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
15. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
16. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
17. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
18. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK
19. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said:

- Oh come on, just a feel.

She said:

- No, I'm saving myself for marriage.

They went back and forth. He said:

- Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel.

She finally agreed:

- Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage.

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks:

- Can't we please?

She of course states:

- NO, I'm saving myself for marriage.

He says:

- Please, please?

and she says:

- No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage.

He says:

- How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?

She says:

- No way, I'm saving myself for marriage.

He begs and pleads with her:

- I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that.

She finally gives in:

- Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all.

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts:

- OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!

A little stunned, he says:

- NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!

How do you get a blond out of a tree?
→ Wave

How do you drown a blond?
→ Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the toliet and tell her to sniff.

What is the diference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.

When can you tell witch cars a blond's car?
→ The stick shift is wet.