Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed:

- This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

- I'm afraid I don't have a husband - she replies.

- O.K. do you have a boyfriend? - asks the Midwife.

- No, no boyfriend either.

- Do you have a partner then?

- No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman:

- You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black

- Well - replies the girl.

- I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.

- Oh, I'm very sorry - says the midwife.

- That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.

- Well yes - the girl again replies.

- you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?

- Oh, I'm sorry - the midwife repeats.

- that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.

- Well yes - continues the girl.

- I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims:

- Thank God for that!

- What do you mean? - says the midwife, shocked.

- WHEW! - says the girl extremely relieved...

- I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk:

- I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

- About 35 - was the reply.

- I'm actually 47 - the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was:

- Oh you look about 29?

- I am actually 47.

That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied:

- I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said:

- Ok, You are 47.

Stunned the woman said:

- That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old man replied:

- I was behind you in line at McDonalds!

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says:

- You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?

She says:

- I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says:

- Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?

She says:

- Your name never came up!

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.

After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.

She slowly spread her legs ...

- Honey would you like some of this? - she asked enticingly.

- Hell no! - he gasped, look what it's done to your underwear!

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said:

- Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy! He smiled.

- Well...if you must know... I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs... - Dolly Parton said.

- And I was going to the bathroom! - Princess Diana said.

- You may enter into Heaven...

St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.

- WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?! - Dolly Parton asked.

- Why...don't you know...a royal flush beats 2 of a kind! - St. Peter exclaimed.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
→ A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked:

- Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?

The dad thinks for a second:

- Of course son, we're a family.

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

- Hang on Dad! - cries Mikey.

- This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?
→ SPARKY!!!