Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, "HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!".. and one of the guys says, "the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"

What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.

What is green, has four legs, and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
→ The pool table in the oval office!

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

- Dad's New Wife Timothy

- Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games

- How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

- Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag

- Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

- Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty

- The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes

- Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures

- The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

- The Tickling Babysitter

- Babar Meets the Taxidermist

- Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

- The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

- Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse

- The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

- Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On

- The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

- How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear

- When is Later?

- The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor

- Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed

- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky

- Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep

- How Far is Not Far?

- Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story

- The Boy Who Cried "Fire!"

- Things Rat Poison Looks Like

- Why Uncle Bud Falls Down

- Two Fingers in the Dike

- Back To School! A Munitions Primer

- Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice

- Things That Are Really Sharp

- How Dopey Got His Name

- Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.

- Don't let me spoil a good time for you, - she said.

After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself:

- I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked:

- Well, how was the party?

He replied:

- It was no fun without you honey.

She said:

- I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied:

- Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

Whats a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur?
→ A lickdicknopuss !

A lady says to her doctor:

- My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything.

The doctor examines her, and then says:

- You need an operation.

She asks:

- On my vagina?

He says:

- No. On your nose!

How do you castrate a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the mouth!

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard.

- Here - she said.

- This came in the mail today.

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!