Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.

He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said:

- I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed

So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again. Again, he asks her what is wrong.

She says:

- I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed.

So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says:

- there, now you're screwed!

What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
→ A little fucker about so tall.

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says:

- You can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!

And the farmer says:

- Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!

So the patent officer takes a bite, and then:

- Oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like blackberry pie!

And the farmer says:

- Yeah, and do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side.

So the patent officer does and he's like:

- Man! That really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!

So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says:

- Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?

- Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!

- And you like it, right?

- Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy - says the patent officer, starting to get excited.

The farmer says:

- OK, then take a bite, right there

So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.

- Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT! - & the farmer says:

- shoot,... I'm sorry, flip it over & try the other side!

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

- Where did you get such a functional bike? - asked the first.

The second engineer replied:

- Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said:

- Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly:

- Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man:

- So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?

- Yes, Doc, - the old man slowly responded.

- My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.

This took the doctor quite by surprise.

- You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

- Well, - the old man said.

- I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.

Still confused, the doctor said:

- I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive.

- Doc, - the old man said.

- You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here, pointing to his head, to here, pointing to between his legs.

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home.

- Bet you can't guess how old I am - he says.

- Bet I can - she says.

- Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am - he says.

- You're on - she says.

- Stand up.

He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now turn around - she says.

She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants - she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . .

- you're 86 - she says.

He's dumbounded.

- By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?

She rocks and smiles.

- You told me yesterday!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.

One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.

The 60 yo started complaining. He said:

- I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.

The 70 year old then said:

- I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night.

The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said:

- I don't have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.

- My only problem is that...

- I don't wake up until noon!

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?
→ She drops her nail file.

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't?
→ Snowballs!