Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I've never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as an altar boy.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
→ "Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun:

- I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

- May I touch them?

The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.

The nun then asks:

- Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?

The priest drops his drawers.

- May I touch it?

After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says:

- you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!

- Is that right - the nun replies?

- Yes - says the priest.

So the nun said:

- Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in." Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St. Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks "What's going on?" One of them shouts "I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there."

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!" The second one says, "This one does!"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

- Nice tits - says the man.

- Where do you want these blinds?

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said:

- This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again:

- Please set this error straight before tomorrow - she begged.

- There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!

- Of course, Sister - he said.

- I'll get you out of there right away. Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following:

- Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.