Random joke from this category
A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.
He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.
When they're done, he said:
- I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good.
The hooker replied:
- Your foreplay ain't all that hot either.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic??
→ It is known how many went down on the Titanic.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.
- Back ladies, back! - cried the leader.
- There's a very dangerous beast out there!
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
- Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!
- WOW! - exclaimed the oldest of the group.
- I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says:
- Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.
She replies:
- If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said:
- Yes, Officer?
- What are you doing? - the policeman asked.
- What does it look like? - answered the young man.
- I'm reading this magazine.
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked:
- And what is she doing?
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied:
- I think she's knitting a sweater.
Confused, the officer asked:
- How old are you, young man?
- I'm nineteen - he replied.
- And how old is she? - asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said:
- Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said:
- Just how much is that watch?
- It's $2000, ma'am.
- Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?
- Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?
- I was thinking two times a week for the next two months.
- That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker - the housewife told a neighbor.
- You didn't do it, did you?
- I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.
- Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.
And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
- Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!
And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
- You're going to kill him - they say, or
- He's just yanking your chain, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous.
- You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?
The wife stoically replied:
- I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.
- Darling, will you still make love like that to me after we're married? - she whispered after they had finished making love.
He considered this for a moment, and then replied:
- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.
