Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Did you hear about the new downhill racing skis the ski resorts are selling this year?
→ They are called Lewin-skis. They are for people who like to go down.

What is green, has four legs and smells like woman?
→ The white house's pool table

What does Bill say to prospective interns?
→ "Haven't I cum across your face before?"

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice:

- sack my cook.

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Did you hear what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home her dress?
→ What, doesn't the White House have any club soda?

- Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts?

- Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. Sleeping Beauty proclaimed:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world.

- No, you're not - answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

Tom Thumb shouted:

- I am the smallest person in the world.

- No, you're not - said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

Don Juan announced:

- I've had more lovers than any person in the world.

- No, you haven't - replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty:

- I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering:

- Who the hell is Bill Clinton?

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells:

- Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.

- What? - the operator exclaimed.

- I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police! - the little old lady repeated.

- Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?

- Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?