Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

- Grandpa, what are you doing? - he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

- Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? - he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said:

- Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!

The old man was saying to his doctor, "You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There is no justice in this world

The other lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first lady says:

- Look at that

When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said:

- You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked.

The woman said:

- Why don't we try that again?

So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said:

- Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.

The man replied:

- Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.

One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.

He went up to the shop assistant and asked:

- Could I have a fucket please?

The assistant asked:

- Pardon sir?

- Can I have a fucket please? - Replied the man.

- Oh you mean a bucket! - The shop assistant replied.

The old man said:

- Yes, that's what I said.

So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier looked very puzzled and asked:

- Pardon?

The man again asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier replied:

- Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir.

So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Sorry sir what did you say?

So he repeated himself:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Oh right, you mean a bun!

The old man said:

- Yes that's what I said in the first place.

So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked:

- Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?

The man replied:

- Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in.
The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

What is a macho man?
→ After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'