Random joke from this category
A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.
She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.
- I've been stung by a wasp - she says.
- Where did it get you? - he replies.
- Between the 1st and 2nd hole.
- I think your stance must be a little too wide.
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter:
- What is that you just served?
The waiter replied:
- Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!
The American, though momentarily daunted, said:
- What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!
The waiter replied:
- I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said:
- These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied:
- Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled:
- Who turned on the fucking lights!
- Oh, no sir - the nearest flight attendant replied.
- Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.
- How awful ! - exclaimed the wife.
- Si, but what a great way to spend eternity - added the husband.
One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says:
- Hey Paco, you shit your pants?
Paco says:
- No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants.
He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says:
- Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?
Paco says:
- Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants.
He says:
- Ok.
They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says:
- Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?
Paco replies:
- I thought you meant today!
Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.
They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask:
- How do you keep your cigarettes dry?
Her answer:
- I put them inside of a condom.
The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. When the pharmacist asks:
- What size? - one of the ladies says.
- It should fit a Camel.
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said:
- I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.
This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.
One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.
- Please I need to get back to England - she pleaded.
- If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean.
Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said:
- When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect.
And being true to her word she agreed.
This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.
- Please don't get angry - she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.
- Why are you laughing? - she demanded.
He said:
- Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry.
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said:
- Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!
- I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.
- Oh really - she spat.
- Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour.
