Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

- So, did you jump? - the father asked.

- Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!

- Is that when you jumped? - asked the father.

- Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.

- Did you jump then? - asked the father.

- I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.

- So, did you jump?

- Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'

- So, did you jump? - asked the father.

- Well, a little, at first.

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew:

- What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator:

- Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do? The navigator told him.

The captain replied:

- Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General's early retirement bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

They called in the first General. He decide to have them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.

The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the measurement, but instead he exclaimed:

- Good God man, where are your balls!!

With a smile the General said:

- I left them in Vietnam.

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said:

- Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:

- I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help.

One of the men immediately replies:

- No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.

A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says:

- thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter.

- Thank you - the golfer replied - but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

- First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

- Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater.""

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?
→ Don King.

Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?
→ They're only good for one period and have no second string.

Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?
→ She got her finger caught in a dike!