Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:

- Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?

She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.

The man thinks:

- Wow, I can't believe that worked! - and decides to try it again.

Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?

She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.

The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?

The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:

- There... now you're f**ked!

Your so old you have to put your d*ck in the freezer to get it hard.

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line. The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!" The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!" And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says:

- they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens.

So she does and the next morning come back and says:

- the sex was great what if I use ten??

And the docter replied:

- they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.

So the next day she comes back and says:

- the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says:

- my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her:

- you have the nicest breasts.

She says:

- thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.

He replies:

- I would pay you $10 just to see one of them.

She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says:

- Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....

- I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says:

- your best friend just stopped by.

He answers:

- Great did he leave the $20 he owed me

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?...
→ Viagrafalls

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
→ The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.

The first guy says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's the problem? - asks the doctor.

- I have no dick!

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's wrong? - the doctor asks.

- I have no dick!

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!

- Why? - asks the doctor.

- Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!

He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says:

- Doctor! I hate you!

- Why? - the doctor asks.

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!

He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says:

- Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!

- Why?

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!